Meet Tara!

Tara’s story is a great one, and I learned so much from talking with her yesterday.  I met up with her at her parent’s home where she was babysitting her two nephews.  The younger one LOVES the baby in Tara’s tummy.  He talks to her tummy, and gives it kisses.  But just as charming as watching that little boy, was watching Tara interact with him.  This accomplished lady is a WONDERFUL aunt, and is going to make a wonderful mother.

Tara has been a performer since high school.  She majored in music, dance, and theatre in college, and then went on to work professionally for companies like Disney.  Tara felt the keen desire to move to New York City to achieve her dream of being a performer on Broadway.  It was there in NYC that she learned some hard, yet valuable, lessons.

In New York, Tara attended audition after audition in hope of being discovered.  “I felt like my skills were improving, but my auditions were getting worse,” she said.  She explained to me that performing had become more of a checklist, than a passion. “ I wanted to be able to say that I had done a Broadway show, so that I could move on with my life.”   That feeling of pressure, to get what we set out to get, tends to take the sheer joy out of why we started the conquest in the first place.  After a while in New York, without a job on Broadway, Tara decided to get her Masters Degree at NYU.  Shortly after paying her tuition, she would have to make one of the hardest decisions of her life.

 After all the auditioning, Tara was finally offered a role in the Broadway touring company of Thoroughly Modern Millie.  Her dream was finally before her!  However, she had already started the masters program at NYU, and a tour would mean that she would have to leave New York.  After thinking long and hard about it, Tara turned down the offer. “It just didn’t feel right,” she said.  She finished her degree, and came to another crossroads: stay in NYC and go after the dream again, or leave the city and the dream behind.  This was even harder than turning Millie down, because even though she had already said no to her dream once, this meant saying no to it for a while, and maybe even forever.  Tara and I discussed how sometimes God plants dreams and desires in our hearts, and we assume that means they will come true.  BUT, sometimes those things He plants in our hearts are to lead us down a path that is vital for our growth here on earth.  There are people we need to meet, lessons we need to learn, and weaknesses we need to overcome.  There are choices we need to face, and chances for proving ourselves to God, that are all a part of these journeys.  What’s really interesting is that God is much more interested in the journey, than the destination. It doesn’t make any difference to Him if we achieve our earthly dreams or not, as long as we become who we need to become to reach the Eternal Dream.

 During this time of decision-making, Tara had some other realizations.  She realized that she had been placing so much of her self worth in this ONE area.  “I had the distinct thought that ‘I am of worth’, and this alone does not prove that.  I can go help my 90-year-old neighbor, and be worth just as much as if I do a show on Broadway,” she said.  “I felt like I was losing it; losing it emotionally, and spiritually.”  Perhaps, she was losing herself in pursuit of this one aspect of her life.  She was reminded of the dream she had always had, “to be a mom”.   This reminder, along with many other things, led her to the decision to leave New York City.

Tara left with the faith that because she was doing the right thing, she would quickly find a husband. However, it didn’t quite work out that quickly.  Tara chuckled, “Sometimes we sacrifice in hopes it will work out exactly how we want, but it doesn’t, and that’s ok.”  She did eventually marry, and she and her husband are expecting their first child in March.  When I asked Tara what she had learned from this experience, she said, “We have to always keep re-evaluating, and re-defining our dreams; ask ourselves, ‘Is this REALLY what I want? Is this where I should be?’”  (Those words struck me, sometimes it’s not the question, “could I”, but “SHOULD I?” we should be asking.)   “We have to learn to let go of certain dreams, so we can live the one we’re living,” Tara said.  I love that.

I asked Tara what her dreams were now and she said, “Having this baby, getting my husband through Grad school, and teaching… I guess I would say I am LIVING the dream.”  Since leaving New York, Tara has discovered her love for teaching voice lessons, photography, and so many other things.  Each of us is a whole person, made up of so many elements, and we should take the time to explore them all. 

When I asked Tara what she wanted all of you to know, she responded:

     “Learn to be right where you are, and accept it.  So many girls would love to have the chance to be mothers.  Though their lives may look exciting from the outside, they are always feeling that longing for the ultimate dream.  I know this because I was once there. We need to appreciate it, and LET it be good.  We can be happy in less than perfect circumstances.”

I have thought about these words a lot, since talking with Tara.  I am really struck by, “LET it be good.”  Letting it be good, means we have to let go of all the regrets, or “what ifs”.  I know, through Tara’s example, that I can be as content with my life as Tara is with hers. 

Someone once told me that God wouldn’t give us all of these abilities and talents just to change diapers and clean the house.  But is that really all it is? Perhaps, we’re shaping the well being of our families physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  Imagine, that all over the world, there are thousands of accomplished ladies, like Tara, who are not just good, but proficient in many things, and have chosen to use those many gifts to bless the most important people they are responsible for: their families.  They also, are blessing their communities by being involved in the schools, and sharing their abilities and talents with their neighbors.  They can see that it is much more valuable to give up the “worldly stages” for an eternal audience. These women I am speaking of are not just mothers. I know many single, talented, women, who have chosen, though living by themselves, not to live FOR themselves.  They don’t allow themselves to get caught up in all the world has to offer, because they believe THEY have things to offer.  I know many married women who are not blessed to have children yet who are also living for others.  They use all they have been given to simply bless those around them with no thought of recognition.  If you ask me, I think THAT is being a mother, in every sense of the word.   Isn’t it amazing to be among this group of women?  Even though we will likely never meet each other, we can take comfort in knowing we are in good company.  We CAN be happy in less than perfect circumstances; our realities can become our dreams one simple way at a time.

Yours truly,

P.S. To view Tara's Photography go to http://tarabutlerphotography.blogspot.com/ 

5 Tips on Simple Dreams

1. Have a sit down with your husband, or your family and decide together what your dreams are as a family.  Work on a plan to fulfill those dreams, and work together to try and make them a reality.
2. Take a journal and write down the ways in which you are living the dream.  If you would like, put in a place where you can read over it periodically.
3. Have a sit down as a family and discuss the difference between interests, hobbies, and dreams.  Specifically how to prioritize them in one’s heart.
4. Carry out something that might have historically been part of this country's dream.  For example, go out and work the land, decorate a piece of your house, etc.  Don’t forget to take the time afterwards to notice the simple accomplishment.
5. Find a mother around you and share with her your feelings of how she is living the dream.

It felt so invigorating to complete some of the tips from last week and feel that in some places there were some women trying to do the same.  We got the flue at my house this week so I did not get to go to my community center, but will be doing that next week.  Did anyone have any experiences from last week they want to share?

Yours truly,

Dreams- conditions or achievements that are longed for; aspirations

Every person has a dream, or dreams, that they have had, or still have.  Dreams give us motivation, focus, and determination-- all very good qualities.  Dreams also lead us to action and change. BUT, dreams have a hidden danger, one that needs to be exposed so that we can see things more clearly for us, and our children.

I love that the definition above uses the phrase, “long for”.  What do we long for?  Think about that, and what comes to your mind first.  Do you long for a washer or a dryer? Maybe you long to be an actress, a singer, or a dancer.  We watch many Reality T.V. shows that are based around people getting the chance to achieve their dreams.  Could there really be anything wrong with dreaming a dream, working hard, and achieving it?

I mean, think of the history of the United States. Wasn’t it founded on dreams: dreams to worship freely, to own and work your own land, and build a better life for your family?  But here is where the difference lies: in those times, dreams were about, and for, the family.  For the majority of people back then, if dreams got in the way of their family, they were not thought about or acted upon because the number one dream WAS family.  There are probably some of you reading that are asking, “What if my dreams are for a companion or a child?”  Then you are already dreaming for the right things. But there are some of us out there who either feel like we had to give up our dreams to be wives and mothers, and feel a tiny bit of the “what if” syndrome, or, there are also some of us who are teaching our children to have big dreams and work hard to get them without seeing the potential trouble at hand.  Now, please understand that I don’t think that there is anything wrong with having dreams, aspirations, and goals, however, as I said before, there are some hidden dangers that no one talks about that we need to shed light on.  Before we do that though, think for one second about your childhood, and ask yourself this:  Did I really give up ALL my dreams? 

Didn’t most of us, instinctively, have the longing for this, before we had the longing for this?

Or this?

I wonder if it is easy to forget because the world doesn’t say that dreams are instinctive.   The fact that all little girls have the instinct to be mothers, is ordinary, not extraordinary!  But is it? Is it ordinary?  Especially today, I don’t know that I would go as far as to say it is ordinary.   Go back to the founding of this country, the American dream, was inherently unselfish.  It did not matter that everyone coming to America had the same dream, the dream of building a better life for his or her family. In fact, that commonality of dream and purpose was an advantage, because everyone working together to achieve the same dream made it possible to make it happen.    I wonder if today, dreams have become selfish.  People no longer dream in groups, but as individuals.  “Our dream,” has been replaced with, “My dream”.   This is not the way it used to be, though. 

Take Irving Berlin’s story: His family came to America to escape the Jewish violence in Russia.  His father died in America when young Irving was only eight years old, and he dropped out of school to help support his family.  As he got older, he realized that formal work was out of the question because of his lack of education. He did, however, know how to do one thing: he could sing.  Isn’t that interesting to note that back then, the line between dreaming and necessity almost didn’t exist?  People’s dreams came out of necessity.  Today, necessity is necessity, and dreaming is dreaming.  In any case, Irving Berlin hit the pavement singing, and of course, the rest is history.  He was married twice.  His first wife died of typhoid fever on their honeymoon, and he was married to his second wife for 65 years before she passed away.  They had four children, nine grandchildren, and two great grand children.   He lived the American Dream, and his music was barely part of that.  His family came and built lives for their future family, and their story lives on through their posterity.  Irving’s dreams were for the family. People dreamed as families. 

So what is the hidden danger of dreams?  The answer boils down to what we long for, and where are hearts are.  Pondering what it was I longed for, I was surprised.  Why were the things I first thought of, not the things I professed to believe in?  Let me clarify, why weren’t “being a good person”, “understanding charity”, or “seeking eternal life” the first things to come to mind?   Why am I not longing for those?  Maybe you are, and those were the first things that came to your mind, but I have to admit that they were not the first things to come to mine.  So, I pondered on that a little more. 

In the Bible, we read,

“Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal.  But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal: For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.”

Is the problem that we long for a washer and dryer, or, is the problem that our hearts are set on things rather than on the ideas we profess to believe in?  Of course, after I realized my error, I had to quickly let myself off the hook by saying, “Well, of course, I long for those things.”  But then I had to ask myself this, “Why do you not long for those things so much that you think about them, more than anything else?” 

When a child thinks of a gift or toy they long for, it takes everything in their power not to think of that thing.  It consumes a child’s mind.  I wonder, if again, we are like children and allow ourselves to get consumed by things, or the idea of something, so much that we don’t dream, and long for what we REALLY dream and long for.   AND, blindly, we teach our children to pattern their lives after the same thought process.  Please understand, again, that I don’t believe there is anything wrong with teaching our children to dream.  I wonder if it would be useful, to teach them to dream about, or to long for, the right things; to show them the difference between dreams, and interests.  I think it is important for all of us to have interests.  To have things which allow us to experience joy and learn some of the important lessons of life that we only learn through our interests.  Things like, hard work, self worth, commitment, etc.   However, I wonder if we need to teach the difference between what’s an interest, which we may care A LOT about, versus a dream, which we pour our hearts into. I wonder if then, our children’s hearts would be more deeply rooted in the important things.  The question comes up, can’t you dream of both?  Can’t you have some dreams that aren’t rooted in spiritual things, and some that are?  I don’t have an answer, I have asked the same questions, and upon looking for the answers these are a few things I have found:

1.      And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might.

2.      No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other.  Ye cannot serve God and mammon.

Don’t we have to fit into  the modern world somehow?  Remember: we are born into the modern world, therefore, we are modern.  Please don’t misunderstand; I am not saying we should be strange and unapproachable.  But, let’s ask a hard question: (I know I had to, and still have to, ask this of myself) Is feeling defensive, or making excuses, any indication of where are hearts are?  I KNOW I don’t have an answer to this because I don’t know anyone’s heart but my own, but thought provoking isn’t it?

Sisters, what if we allowed ourselves to dream in groups again?  I wonder if we would accomplish more, and see more results.  I wonder if working together to dream the right things, we might become the Accomplished Ladies we long to become.  We also need to realize that we ARE living our dreams.  We have families, beliefs, and an opportunity to build beautiful lives out of those, and that is THE dream.  Look around you, look how many blessings have come about by choosing to follow instinct.  Isn’t that the dream?  I wonder: If we taught our children that we don’t have to live in the “what if” syndrome if we choose to follow our good instincts, because those instincts will take us down the path to achieving our true dreams, what would happen?

There is a popular quotation that says, “Be careful what you wish for because you just might get it.”  The scriptures say,

“For I know that (God) granteth unto men according to their desire, whether it be unto death or unto life; yea, I know that he allotteth unto men, yea, decreeth unto them decrees which are unalterable, according to their wills, whether they be unto salvation or unto destruction.” 

The Lord will give us the desires and the longings of our hearts, and we may pay a very steep price to get them, but we will get them.  Let us be careful what we long for, and teach our families the same.  We can be in the comfort of knowing, that there may be a handful of families around trying to dream big, one simple dream at a time.

Yours truly,

The Moment We Have All Been Waiting For…

 

Our First Spotlight!

Meet Mary and Heidi.

I met with these two accomplished women yesterday, and it was an important experience in my life.  I feel changed, on a certain level, and I hope to never look at mothering the same way I did before I met them.

Mary is the mother of 23-year-old Heidi.  Heidi was diagnosed with cerebral palsy at birth, due to complications of childbirth--Mary was in labor with Heidi for two-and-a-half days.  Though many people have suggested that Heidi should go to a care center, Mary knows she could never do that.  “It’s really important to be there for your children,” she says, “to be consistent.”  

Mary’s day typically begins with getting Heidi up. Heidi greets her mother with an ear-to-ear smile each morning.  It’s very contagious, and one of Mary’s favorite things. Next, it’s time for a bath. Sometimes Mary makes a bubble beard on Heidi’s face prompting Heidi to sign “Santa Clause! Santa Clause!” When bath time is through, it’s time to get dressed. “This is our favorite time of day,” Mary said. Together, Mother and Daughter laugh and play. Heidi has a great sense of humor and LOVES to tease. (I experienced this humor first hand as she teasingly joked that I was a boy while I visited them in their home.) Once Heidi is dressed, Mary takes the time to dry her hair, and get it neatly done for the day. Heidi doesn’t like to get her hair done, but she loves it when it IS done. She likes to show it off to the rest of the family. She loves to feel pretty. I think most accomplished women do. With bath, clothes, and hairdos all taken care of, Heidi takes her medicine and has breakfast. All of Heidi’s food has to be blended. She chokes very easily, so she doesn’t eat solid food very often. Mary carefully prepares Heidi’s food each day. Now…I don’t know what you are thinking by this point, but I’m amazed at how much Mary accomplishes…and we haven’t even gotten through breakfast yet! “I never quit,” says Mary with a smile. You may be surprised to know that very few families care for handicapped children from home. That number becomes more and more slim once children graduate from school and need 24 hour care. Heidi graduated from school several years ago, but still misses it terribly; she LOVED school. Even now, if an errand takes the family by the school, Heidi cries because she misses it so much. In the wake of this longing, Mary makes sure that Heidi’s days are filled with other activities she likes.  She loves to go on walks, see her friends, have stories read to her, make and listen to music, and she LOVES to dance. Now let me paint a picture for you: Mary grabs Heidi’s hands and helps her move to the groove of the music—something old and classic most of you would appreciate—they sway back and forth. Mary moves with such style, you’d think she was dancing with the Queen. Heidi smiles as they dance. Her smile grows and grows until it lights up a much bigger space than any family room.

“Smiles make it worth it!” says Mary, even though, “it can be challenging at times.”  Heidi averages 5-6 seizures a day.  Additional problems that you and I don’t worry about like the common cold or an ear infection can increase that number to 40-50 per day! Additionally, as a female, Heidi experiences a monthly menstrual cycle, and Mom is the one that takes care of both the physical and emotional challenges that come along with that.  With a smile on her face, Mary tells me that Heidi can be quite moody occasionally, but let’s be honest, who isn’t sometimes?!

Among, other challenges, Heidi has had to undergo many surgeries including the placement of a metal rod in her back-the hardest of the lot, Mary told me. But despite the hardships, through her experiences, Mary has had the amazing opportunity to reevaluate what is important.  Before Heidi, Mary told me that she took a child’s growth and development for granted. “It was what they were supposed to do,” she said.  “Now, I have learned to appreciate every little step.”  Heidi has made REMARKABLE steps.  She signs a number of words--she doesn’t have a lot of dexterity in her fingers so it’s not ASL, but it does the job in her family.  Additionally, and this amazes me, out of the 4 syllables Heidi has learned to say, her most common word is “mama,” closely followed by “ba,” “da,” and “ya.” If you tell her she has a pretty dress on or that her hair looks nice today, she replies “Ma-ma-ma-ma” in sweet homage to the woman who takes the time to care for her every need.

Now that Heidi has finished school and is with her Mom 24 hours most days, Mary has become her world.  “She is very protective of me,” Mary told me.  “She wants  to only sit by me, she doesn’t like others to touch me, and she can sometimes be seen throwing tantrums when other family members have my attention.”  Heidi often tells her mom through sign language that she is her “friend”.  Being in their home with the two of them, I know that they are so much more.

A word or two should definitely be said about Mary and Heidi’s other family members.  Heidi is the only girl, but her brothers take care of her very well.  They read to her, make her laugh, give her hugs, and really watch out for her.  In fact, Mary’s oldest son, James, when leaving home to serve a two-year mission for his church, told the whole congregation that Heidi was his hero.  Additionally, Heidi has a wonderful stepfather who loves her very much. She cares for him too…as long as he is not around Mom!  Together, they are a tight-knit, wonderful family, and the way they all interact together is very important to Mary.

When I asked Mary what she would like all of you to know, she responded:

“Find happiness in every little development.  Don’t be afraid to make mistakes, because you do.  Don’t be afraid to say you’re sorry.  Hug your children and tell them you love them everyday. You never know which day is your last, so you have to make each day count.”

I know that I’m going to make each day count in the same way Mary makes Heidi’s days count.  Her love, care, and effort to enrich the life of another is an inspiration to all of us. Mary is an example of an accomplished lady who makes an important contribution in her daughter’s life one simple way at a time.  I can only imagine the sweet reunion these extraordinary women will have after this life.  I am sure Heidi will have so many things to tell Mary, but I have a feeling that one of the first things will be, “Thank You, Mom.”

Yours truly,