Dear Ladies,


I apologize for no spotlight again this week.  I have come down with a TERRIBLE cold.  It also is super contagious, so I didn't dare go meet with someone.  Thanks for your patience, and there will be one next week for sure!


Yours truly,

5 tips on selflessness

1. Take something to a neighbor or friend in need spend sometime talking with them and try to help brighten their day.  Write down how you feel doing that.  Then take an hour and do something for yourself.  Write down how you feel doing that. Make sure in both writings that you really analyze how it makes you feel.  How do both affect the way you treat those around you, etc.   Compare the two entries, and then write down what you have learned through the comparison.

2. Find a time when your child is playing and go sit with them and play, but on their terms.  Let them dictate how the playing goes, and what they want to do.  Take time to reflect on new things you learned about your child, and the changes in playing that way.

3. Plan a whole evening around the things your husband likes to do.  Maybe what he likes to eat, a sports game.  Really take part in those things with him, and find the joy that comes to the both of you by doing that.

4. Try to go one whole day without any thoughts turned inwards, just think and do for others. (Go ahead, and take a shower though!) That means to also try and push away any feelings that are selfish, or angry.  Try to even see the others point of view and listen to them.  At the end of the day when you lay down in bed, write down what you learned.

5. Write down the things you like to do. (hobbies, outlets, etc.)  Figure out, how they can become a part of the family, or how doing those things connects to the family.  Try to see your life as one big whole, and try to find the ways all these things tie together for your journey.

Yours truly,

Editors Note:  After much thought and discussion, the post below has been edited to more clearly express the views that I was trying to express.  Thank you everyone for your love and care.

Identity- The state of having unique identifying characteristics held by no other person or thing.  The individual characteristics by which a person or thing is recognized.

Have you ever heard a woman say, “I feel like I am losing my identity,” as a wife, or a mother?  I have heard this phrase many times, and admit that there was a time when I was tempted to fall into that same thought process.  (Let me be honest, there are STILL times I think that, BUT I am working on it.)  In fact there was a moment, with a dear friend of mine, not too long after I became a mom, where he asked me what I was learning about motherhood.  I told my friend all the wonderful things about being a mom, and then I told him something along the lines of how I was struggling to not feel like I was losing myself in the process.  To which, my friend replied, “I wonder if that is the point: to lose ourselves in the process.”  I have NEVER forgotten that, and have pondered on it much over the last year.

Are we meant to lose ourselves in raising our children, or, even lose ourselves in life for that matter, and if so, who are we meant to become then?  AND, how is losing ourselves, not a contradiction to last weeks passage about knowing yourself?


Let me clarify right here at the top, that when I say losing ourselves, or our identity, I mean the parts of ourselves that lead to selfishness, entitlement, etc. I in no way think that means we lose who God has created us to be. 

I love that the definition above talks about “unique characteristics held by no other person”, name ONE characteristic you can think of that solely belongs to ONE person.  It is true that there are no two people with the same COMBINATION of characteristics,that is what makes us all unique, but can you really say that there are unique CHARACTERISTICS?  The next sentence is equally interesting as it talks about identity being, “how a person is recognized.”  I wonder if that is at the heart of identity-people being recognized.  I wonder if deep down, we are all afraid of going unnoticed.  So here is a question: Is doing things behind the scenes REALLY that bad? 

Most of you will never have the pleasure of meeting my mother, and yet, she is one of the most important, influential people in my life. In fact, she was the first person I thought of when my dear friend brought up the thought provoking idea above.  When I think back on my childhood, I can count the number of times on ONE HAND that I ever saw my mother do anything for herself.  If you were to ask me what her hobbies were, I would tell you that they were her children.  Please understand that I don't mean she lived vicariously through us, she just served us ALL THE TIME.  That is not to say she never did anything outside of the home, or for herself.  She served her family and neighbors, she taught swimming lessons every summer out of our backyard, every morning she went for walks with her good friend, she was very involved in our school and our church, and so much more.  BUT even with all those things, I never would have felt like they were as important as her children, because I always felt, as her daughter, that her children were her priority, her identity. There is a great quote that says, We become what we do. When I talk about us being my mother's identity, I mean to say that.  She was ALWAYS doing for us, that is not to say she lost the knowledge of who she was, she just put her desires aside.

We live in a society that would look on this notion as weak, and perhaps, society would say that my mother was not a very headstrong woman.  However, I know very few women who have as good, and strong, of a head on their shoulders as my mom.  The fact is that she had the STRENGTH to CHOOSE to sacrifice her wishes for her children. I will tell you, that I am a much better person because of that choice.     

In the Bible, we read, “Then said Jesus unto his disciples, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me.  For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it.”  That was one of the first scriptures I studied when I pondered on my friend’s suggestion, and there were two things the really struck me.  First, the Savior says that if we lose our life we will find it.  Perhaps, by sacrificing our identities, our wills, we find the person the Savior wants us to be, and not only that, we will find the parts of ourselves that bring us the most joy.  When the Savior stood on the shore and called for the fishermen, He said, “Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men.”  Interesting, that he still uses the things about us that have made up our identites. All the wonderful gifts and talents I had before I was a mother, I get to use AS a mother. That is why it is important to know ourselves, so we CAN GIVE ourselves to the Lord.   You can’t sacrifice what you do not have.  If we don’t have a full knowledge of our selves, we can’t sacrifice all of ourselves.  The next verse in the scripture says, “And they straightway left their nets, and followed him.”  This is remarkable to me!  These men left their nets: their identity.  If a fisherman does not have a net, would anyone recognize him to be a fisherman?  However, just because there is not recognition doesn’t mean the talent is not there or that it is not put to use. As a child, we may not know all the talents our mothers have, but that does not mean they aren't there and using them.  In fact, perhaps it’s used MORE effectively than it was before.   Though catching fish was what these men did, I wonder if they did not find MORE joy in bringing men to the Savior?  I love to sing, but there is no stage in the world that could bring me more joy than singing to my little boy and watching his face light up.

Why is that, I wonder?  Last week we learned about our chance to inherit from our Father in Heaven.  We are God’s children, and He is our Father.   I wonder if by becoming parents, we are learning something from God.  Perhaps we are preparing for our inheritance, and bridging that gap between here and there.   Perhaps marriage and family are, in a sense, HEAVEN ON EARTH, and no joy could be greater than creating heaven on earth.

So why do we need things like “outlets”?  If we are taking part in the MOST joyous thing, why do we need time away?  We hear all the time that “I need an outlet”, or “time for me”.  I know because I hear myself say it at times.  Please understand that I believe marriage and motherhood are tough, and everyone needs moments to regroup.  I wonder though, if we could do better to find our outlets WITHIN marriage and motherhood.  Perhaps life is designed in a way so that we already have those moments.  For example, we have 5 minutes to take a shower, time when our spouse is at work, time when children are in school or taking naps.  In fact, come to think of it, I think my mother’s outlets were during those times.  Why can’t we find the time that we need to regroup in those moments, so we don’t have to feel so entitled all the time?  I am speaking to myself more than to anyone else.  However, I know that when my son and I go to a play date, it is an outlet for him and me.  He gets to play and let out energy, and I get to enjoy conversations with good friends. That doesn’t mean we can’t learn new hobbies, or that we need to feel guilty when we are alone.  I love to take pictures, make crafts, cook, etc.  BUT, those CAN become selfish if I don’t constantly look for how ALL OF THEM FIT TOGETHER.   HOW DOES DOING THESE THINGS BLESS MY FAMILY, AND BECOME A PART OF MY FAMILY, NOT APART FROM MY FAMILY?  LIFE IS ONE THING, ONE TEST, MADE UP OF ALL OUR CHOICES.   We live in a world that wants us to believe we can compartmentalize everything and be happy, but are we?  We feel the tug and pull in so many directions, that we feel like we are failing at all of them.  In reality, we can let go of some things so that all the things we hold on to tug and pull in the SAME direction.  Again, that doesn’t mean that life can’t be full and fun. Much of the bonding that went on in our family was playing games, watching movies, camping, and vacationing.  Those things are important, and we are suposed to experience all the wonderful things we have been blessed with here on earth.  But here is the question: Is the outlet for me to get AWAY from my family, OR, is it FOR my family?  Is problem is  that we sometimes have alone time, a girls night, or whatever, OR is it the feeling that we DESERVE it?   Here is another one: Is this so I can have some sort of RECOGNITION, or is this to UNSELFISHLY enrich the lives of those around me?  I, in NO WAY have answers for anyone, only my self, but thought provoking isn’t it?

CS Lewis, a Christian philosopher, gave a very interesting quote on this subject.  He said,

"There are three kinds of people in the world. The first class is of those who live simply for their own sake and pleasure, regarding Man and Nature as so much raw material to be cut up into whatever shape may serve them. In the second class are those who acknowledge some other claim upon them – the will of God, the categorical imperative, or the good of society – and honestly try to pursue their own interests no further than this claim will allow. They try to surrender to the higher claim as much as it demands, like men paying a tax, but hope, like other taxpayers, that what is left over will be enough for them to live on. Their life is divided, like a soldier's or a schoolboy’s life, into time 'on parade' and 'off parade', 'in school' and 'out of school'. But the third class is of those who can say like St. Paul that for them 'to live is Christ'. These people have got rid of the tiresome business of adjusting the rival claims of Self and God by the simple expedient of rejecting the claims of Self altogether. The old egoistic will has been turned round, reconditioned, and made into a new thing. The will of Christ no longer limits theirs; it is theirs. All their time, in belonging to Him, belongs also to them, for they are His.

And because there are three classes, any merely twofold division of the world into good and bad is disastrous. It overlooks the fact that the members of the second class (to which most of us belong) are always and necessarily unhappy. The tax which moral conscience levies on our desires does not in fact leave us enough to live on. As long as we are in this class we must either feel guilt because we have not paid the tax or penury because we have. The Christian doctrine that there is no 'salvation' by works done according to the moral law is a fact of daily experience. Back or on we must go. But there is no going on simply by our own efforts. If the new Self, the new Will, does not come at His own good pleasure to be born in us, we cannot produce Him synthetically.

The price of Christ is something, in a way, much easier than moral effort – it is to want Him. It is true that the wanting itself would be beyond our power but for one fact. The world is so built that, to help us desert our own satisfactions, they desert us. War and trouble and finally old age take from us one by one all those things that the natural Self hoped for at its setting out. Begging is our only wisdom, and want in the end makes it easier for us to be beggars. Even on those terms the Mercy will receive us."

So the first class live ONLY for themselves, the second class try to live for God, and themselves, and the third ONLY live for God.  I wonder if the goal is to obtain that third class and reject the claims of self all together. That is what I mean by losing our identity, rejecting our selfish claims until we become lost in the will of God. This brings me to the second thing that struck me in our scripture, the fact that the Savior tells us to take up our  “cross”.  Of course, our crosses are not near the cross that Jesus bore, but it is meant to be HARD!!!  It’s not easy to get to the point where we can reject our selfish claims.  I know I am FAR from getting to that point.  However, think of the story of Abraham, where the Lord asks him to sacrifice his only son, Isaac.  Since we know from the Bible that the Lord, “is no respecter of persons,” perhaps we too have to sacrifice even as Abraham did.  Perhaps it won’t be our child, but it will be hard, and to our very core if we CHOOSE to face it.  I wonder if there are some who are standing there looking at their crosses, refusing to take them up and walk the hard road ahead.   Sadly, by doing that, we run the risk of NEVER truly finding our selves.  We allow ourselves to thirst after the things that the world has defined as identity, instead of picking up our crosses, walking the hard road, and drinking the Savior's living water, which forever quenches thirst.

Also interesting: CS Lewis points out that life is designed so that people lose all worldly things they care about.  Old age robs us of beauty, talent, and independence.  We all WILL get wrinkles, eventually a dancer won’t be able to touch her toes, and many of us will need help doing simple things like walking.   All that will matter is who we have become from our choices. 

Ladies, although it may seem like we are giving up everything to those around us, let us take courage in knowing that “that IS the point.”  Jesus Christ gave up everything, including His life for us, and we are to become like Him. Let us also look for the ways we are finding our TRUE SELVES, and find joy in the moments we can clearly see heaven on earth.  It is only when our wills become invisible, that we will make the greatest contributions.  I want to thank my mother for showing me an example of an accomplished lady who makes immeasurable contributions.  Her life has blessed mine, my children, and will bless their children for generations to come.  She put aside her desires, so that I could find mine, and now, I will put aside mine, so that my children can find theirs. That is what trying to be Christlike is all about.  Ladies let us make our contributions in the lives of others, one selfless way at a time.

Yours truly,

Due to a spontanious Vacation, I will post a spotlight next week.


Sorry, and thanks


Yours truly,

5 Tips on Knowing Yourself


1. Find a piece of paper and write down 5 of your strengths and 5 things you may want to work on.  Then write a plan on how you will try to build on those strengths, and overcome those weaknesses.  Check back and find out how you are doing.


2.  Have a spouse, a friend, or a family member write down 5 of your strengths and 5 things you may want to work on.  Knowing how others perceive you, is a good way of knowing yourself.  You can learn what impression you may be giving off that you like, and don't like.  Write a plan to help yourself be who you want to be with others.


3. Write down a list describing the attributes in the person you would like to be.  Make goals that will help you move in that direction.


4.  Have your mother or father tell you five things about you as a child.  Knowing who we were in our past is a good reference to understanding ourselves both then and now. 


5.  Write in a journal the things in your soul.  Knowing how you feel in your soul is a HUGE part of getting to know our true selves.  Figure out one thing that is keeping you dwelling in the flesh and try to move past it so you can become one with your soul.


Yours truly,

Knowing- Possessing knowledge, information, or understanding

Yourself- your normal or usual self

Aristotle once said, “Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.”  So what does it take to know your self?  The definition above hints that it is an understanding of our “normal’, or “usual”, self.  As I thought on this, I became stumped with what your “normal” or “usual” self denotes.  I think in order to understand all that that entails; there are three areas of “self” we must explore:

Knowing the truth about…

1. Who we were
2. Who we are now, and
3. Who we are to become.

1. Who we were.

“Nothing comes from nothing,” is a famous line from a song, in the movie The Sound of Music, which points out something important.  If nothing comes from nothing, than we, ourselves, did not come from nothing either. Think about the scientific law that matter cannot be created nor destroyed, only organized. We know that our bodies are organized through the act of intimacy, but what about the substance that makes up the inside of us, who we are?   If nothing comes from nothing, then even our personalities come from something.   As a mother, I have proof that even my tiny child has his own personality, or things about him, that are not taught, even by me.  We must have been somewhere, in some sort of state, before we came here.  And if that is true, the questions become where were we, and who were we? 

In the Bible, in the book of Jeremiah, we read, “Before I formed thee in the belly, I knew thee…” God knew us before we were born, which tells us that before we were here, we were with God.  William Wordsworth, a famous poet and philosopher, wrote this in one of his poems,

“Our birth is but a sleep and a forgetting:

The Soul that rises with us, our life's Star,

Hath had elsewhere its setting,

And cometh from afar:

Not in entire forgetfulness,

And not in utter nakedness,

But trailing clouds of glory do we come

From God, who is our home.”

Wordsworth believed not only that we were with God, but that when we were born, we forgot these things.  He is also one, among many, who believes that the substance, which makes up who we are, is our soul.  All these things lead us to the understanding, found in Genesis, that we were, and are, children of God. 

Why do we need to know this?  What does it help us understand about our selves?  Think about a newborn baby.  They are so pure when they are born, which gives some important insight.  We come here to earth without sin.  We are innately good people that are here to have an experience.

Also, tradition tells us that all children receive some sort of inheritance from their parents.  Similarly, we have an inheritance from God that we have the chance to claim.  The Bible, in the book of Romans, says, “The Spirit itself beareth witness with our spirit, that we are children of God.  And if children, then heirs; heirs of God, and joint-heirs of Christ…”  We are heirs to things that God has for us.  Understanding that we are God’s children helps us see our potential.

2. Who we are now

The definition above advises us to know our “normal” or “usual” selves.  Part of knowing our normal selves is knowing ourselves both spiritually and in the flesh.  Upon coming here to earth from our home in heaven, our souls took on a body of flesh.  Thus, began the battle between spirit, and the flesh.  Again in Romans we read, “For they that are after the flesh do mind the things of the flesh; but they that are after the Spirit the things of the Spirit.  For to be carnally minded is death; but to be spiritually minded is life and peace.”   We are here with the opportunity to prove ourselves worthy of God’s inheritance.  However, like Wordsworth says, we have forgotten whom we truly are, and are now tempted after the manner of the flesh.  As we choose to forsake the flesh and allow it to become one with our Souls, with our true selves, we have the chance to become heirs to God. 

One may wonder as I have, why we need to go through this process, why are we trying to BECOME who we truly ARE in the first place?  I had that question, and after much reflection, study, and discussion I was led to one possible answer.   We were good, because that was just who we were, and not because we CHOSE to be that way.  We had to have the opportunity to CHOOSE to be good.  If we were to have no choice or reason, we would be like animals merely acting on instinct and survival.  God will force no man to heaven.   

In order to become one with our soul and choose to be good, perhaps we need to take the time to know WHAT it is that we need to forsake.  We have to know our weaknesses, and temptations, so that we can take the steps necessary to overcome them.  We live in a world that wants us to hide our sins, even from our selves.  We hear things like, “that is just who you are,” or “accept yourself for who you are.”  I wonder if we have a tendency to blindly look away from things that are in need of change, because “THAT IS JUST WHO I AM.”  I wonder if we underestimate the value of this process, and miss out on the wonderful progression of change by ignoring our sins.  I also wonder if we blindly pass on our own personal weaknesses to our children because we have not taken the time to examine ourselves in depth enough to see them?   I don’t know the answer to that, but thought provoking isn’t it?  Please understand, that I am not suggesting that we have to tell everyone around us the things we are doing wrong, our sins are private matters.  However, we need to not ignore them; by doing that, we risk never becoming who we really are.  

I need to also add that along with knowing our weaknesses, we have to know what is GOOD in our souls too, build upon those strengths, and gain more strength.  We have learned, since childhood that choosing to do bad things is a sin, but so is NOT choosing to do good things when we know we should. “Therefore to him that knoweth to do good and doeth it not, to him it is sin,” we learn from the Bible, in the book of James.   We are not meant to rid ourselves of sin, and then do nothing.  Think about the traditional accomplished lady, she tried to continue to build upon her good attributes as she read, served, and explored all her potential. So we must build upon our attributes and  DO good, so that we can learn from those experiences.

When we know where we were, and why we are here, we can clearly make choices with knowledge and purpose.  We can then choose to allow our spirit to run our lives instead of the flesh.  We can look at our weaknesses, and, with help from Jesus Christ, overcome them one step at a time.  We can discover the strengths within our selves, and use them to build those around us.  We can move toward our potential one step at a time.

3. Who we are to become

Jesus Christ commands us to, “Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in Heaven is perfect.”  We are meant to become as our Father in Heaven.  However, we are incapable of doing it alone, and He knew that.  That is why Jesus Christ suffered for the sins of the world, to make it possible to become as He is. 

Though knowing who we were, who we are now, and who we are to become is only the start of knowing ourselves, it is a good one.  I believe accomplished ladies know who they are, and continue to develop themselves.  We live in a world today that wants to confuse us on this subject.  People are placed into categories and defined by stereotypes that confuse the divine identity to which all men belong.  “You are fat,”  “You are an alcoholic,”  “You are funny,” “You are rich,”  “You are gay,” the world says.   Though we may struggle with food, or alcohol, and may be able to tell a really good joke, is that WHO WE ARE?  Though we may become our choices, is that really at the heart of the soul inside of us?  We know what the Bible says, and yet it is true that there are lots of circumstances to consider.  Only God can judge man, but thought provoking isn’t it?

Brigham Young, a Prophet of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints said this, “No being can thoroughly know himself, without understanding more or less of the things of God; neither can a being learn and understand the things of God, without knowing himself; he must know himself, or he never can know God.” Ladies, NOW is the time to begin to know ourselves.  As we do, we can know our children better, and know God better.   We can perhaps foresee potential problems we may run into, or potential ways we can lift someone as we know our weaknesses and our strengths.  We must realize that we are children of God, who once lived with Him, and who are here to CHOOSE our inheritance.  

There is an old Hindu legend that tells us that all men were Gods. But unfortunately, they very badly misused their Divinity. That's why Brahma, the Upper-God, decided to terminate their Divinity and to hide it in a place not to be found. The problem was to choose a suitable place. When the Half-Gods gathered to solve this problem, they proposed: 'Let us bury the Divinity of man in the Earth '
But Brahma answered: 'No, this won't be sufficient because mankind will dig deep and discover this Divinity anew'. The Half-Gods than found another place. 'Let's sink the Divinity into the deepest ocean on Earth'. But Brahma also held back on this idea and responded: 'No, because sooner or later, mankind will dive into the deepest places in all the oceans and will certainly find the Divinity'. The Half-Gods didn't have any further clue how to solve this problem. They exclaimed: 'There's nowhere on Earth a place this Divinity can be successfully hidden, as man will climb the mountains, dig into the ground and dive deep in the oceans. There is no place where humankind's curiosity will not search'. And Brahma answered: 'This is what we'll do: we will hide it in the deepest part of man himself, because this is the only place where man will never look'. Since then, humankind has criss-crossed the Earth, dived, dug and explored every inch, searching for something that can only be found deep in himself.

Remember the definition above which said that knowing ourselves, was understanding our normal and usual selves.  May we look inside ourselves and find the divine within, so that we can make our contribution, and earn our inheritance one simple way at a time.

Yours truly,