Passages for the Modern Accomplished Lady

Editors Note:  After much thought and discussion, the post below has been edited to more clearly express the views that I was trying to express.  Thank you everyone for your love and care.

Identity- The state of having unique identifying characteristics held by no other person or thing.  The individual characteristics by which a person or thing is recognized.

Have you ever heard a woman say, “I feel like I am losing my identity,” as a wife, or a mother?  I have heard this phrase many times, and admit that there was a time when I was tempted to fall into that same thought process.  (Let me be honest, there are STILL times I think that, BUT I am working on it.)  In fact there was a moment, with a dear friend of mine, not too long after I became a mom, where he asked me what I was learning about motherhood.  I told my friend all the wonderful things about being a mom, and then I told him something along the lines of how I was struggling to not feel like I was losing myself in the process.  To which, my friend replied, “I wonder if that is the point: to lose ourselves in the process.”  I have NEVER forgotten that, and have pondered on it much over the last year.

Are we meant to lose ourselves in raising our children, or, even lose ourselves in life for that matter, and if so, who are we meant to become then?  AND, how is losing ourselves, not a contradiction to last weeks passage about knowing yourself?


Let me clarify right here at the top, that when I say losing ourselves, or our identity, I mean the parts of ourselves that lead to selfishness, entitlement, etc. I in no way think that means we lose who God has created us to be. 

I love that the definition above talks about “unique characteristics held by no other person”, name ONE characteristic you can think of that solely belongs to ONE person.  It is true that there are no two people with the same COMBINATION of characteristics,that is what makes us all unique, but can you really say that there are unique CHARACTERISTICS?  The next sentence is equally interesting as it talks about identity being, “how a person is recognized.”  I wonder if that is at the heart of identity-people being recognized.  I wonder if deep down, we are all afraid of going unnoticed.  So here is a question: Is doing things behind the scenes REALLY that bad? 

Most of you will never have the pleasure of meeting my mother, and yet, she is one of the most important, influential people in my life. In fact, she was the first person I thought of when my dear friend brought up the thought provoking idea above.  When I think back on my childhood, I can count the number of times on ONE HAND that I ever saw my mother do anything for herself.  If you were to ask me what her hobbies were, I would tell you that they were her children.  Please understand that I don't mean she lived vicariously through us, she just served us ALL THE TIME.  That is not to say she never did anything outside of the home, or for herself.  She served her family and neighbors, she taught swimming lessons every summer out of our backyard, every morning she went for walks with her good friend, she was very involved in our school and our church, and so much more.  BUT even with all those things, I never would have felt like they were as important as her children, because I always felt, as her daughter, that her children were her priority, her identity. There is a great quote that says, We become what we do. When I talk about us being my mother's identity, I mean to say that.  She was ALWAYS doing for us, that is not to say she lost the knowledge of who she was, she just put her desires aside.

We live in a society that would look on this notion as weak, and perhaps, society would say that my mother was not a very headstrong woman.  However, I know very few women who have as good, and strong, of a head on their shoulders as my mom.  The fact is that she had the STRENGTH to CHOOSE to sacrifice her wishes for her children. I will tell you, that I am a much better person because of that choice.     

In the Bible, we read, “Then said Jesus unto his disciples, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me.  For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it.”  That was one of the first scriptures I studied when I pondered on my friend’s suggestion, and there were two things the really struck me.  First, the Savior says that if we lose our life we will find it.  Perhaps, by sacrificing our identities, our wills, we find the person the Savior wants us to be, and not only that, we will find the parts of ourselves that bring us the most joy.  When the Savior stood on the shore and called for the fishermen, He said, “Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men.”  Interesting, that he still uses the things about us that have made up our identites. All the wonderful gifts and talents I had before I was a mother, I get to use AS a mother. That is why it is important to know ourselves, so we CAN GIVE ourselves to the Lord.   You can’t sacrifice what you do not have.  If we don’t have a full knowledge of our selves, we can’t sacrifice all of ourselves.  The next verse in the scripture says, “And they straightway left their nets, and followed him.”  This is remarkable to me!  These men left their nets: their identity.  If a fisherman does not have a net, would anyone recognize him to be a fisherman?  However, just because there is not recognition doesn’t mean the talent is not there or that it is not put to use. As a child, we may not know all the talents our mothers have, but that does not mean they aren't there and using them.  In fact, perhaps it’s used MORE effectively than it was before.   Though catching fish was what these men did, I wonder if they did not find MORE joy in bringing men to the Savior?  I love to sing, but there is no stage in the world that could bring me more joy than singing to my little boy and watching his face light up.

Why is that, I wonder?  Last week we learned about our chance to inherit from our Father in Heaven.  We are God’s children, and He is our Father.   I wonder if by becoming parents, we are learning something from God.  Perhaps we are preparing for our inheritance, and bridging that gap between here and there.   Perhaps marriage and family are, in a sense, HEAVEN ON EARTH, and no joy could be greater than creating heaven on earth.

So why do we need things like “outlets”?  If we are taking part in the MOST joyous thing, why do we need time away?  We hear all the time that “I need an outlet”, or “time for me”.  I know because I hear myself say it at times.  Please understand that I believe marriage and motherhood are tough, and everyone needs moments to regroup.  I wonder though, if we could do better to find our outlets WITHIN marriage and motherhood.  Perhaps life is designed in a way so that we already have those moments.  For example, we have 5 minutes to take a shower, time when our spouse is at work, time when children are in school or taking naps.  In fact, come to think of it, I think my mother’s outlets were during those times.  Why can’t we find the time that we need to regroup in those moments, so we don’t have to feel so entitled all the time?  I am speaking to myself more than to anyone else.  However, I know that when my son and I go to a play date, it is an outlet for him and me.  He gets to play and let out energy, and I get to enjoy conversations with good friends. That doesn’t mean we can’t learn new hobbies, or that we need to feel guilty when we are alone.  I love to take pictures, make crafts, cook, etc.  BUT, those CAN become selfish if I don’t constantly look for how ALL OF THEM FIT TOGETHER.   HOW DOES DOING THESE THINGS BLESS MY FAMILY, AND BECOME A PART OF MY FAMILY, NOT APART FROM MY FAMILY?  LIFE IS ONE THING, ONE TEST, MADE UP OF ALL OUR CHOICES.   We live in a world that wants us to believe we can compartmentalize everything and be happy, but are we?  We feel the tug and pull in so many directions, that we feel like we are failing at all of them.  In reality, we can let go of some things so that all the things we hold on to tug and pull in the SAME direction.  Again, that doesn’t mean that life can’t be full and fun. Much of the bonding that went on in our family was playing games, watching movies, camping, and vacationing.  Those things are important, and we are suposed to experience all the wonderful things we have been blessed with here on earth.  But here is the question: Is the outlet for me to get AWAY from my family, OR, is it FOR my family?  Is problem is  that we sometimes have alone time, a girls night, or whatever, OR is it the feeling that we DESERVE it?   Here is another one: Is this so I can have some sort of RECOGNITION, or is this to UNSELFISHLY enrich the lives of those around me?  I, in NO WAY have answers for anyone, only my self, but thought provoking isn’t it?

CS Lewis, a Christian philosopher, gave a very interesting quote on this subject.  He said,

"There are three kinds of people in the world. The first class is of those who live simply for their own sake and pleasure, regarding Man and Nature as so much raw material to be cut up into whatever shape may serve them. In the second class are those who acknowledge some other claim upon them – the will of God, the categorical imperative, or the good of society – and honestly try to pursue their own interests no further than this claim will allow. They try to surrender to the higher claim as much as it demands, like men paying a tax, but hope, like other taxpayers, that what is left over will be enough for them to live on. Their life is divided, like a soldier's or a schoolboy’s life, into time 'on parade' and 'off parade', 'in school' and 'out of school'. But the third class is of those who can say like St. Paul that for them 'to live is Christ'. These people have got rid of the tiresome business of adjusting the rival claims of Self and God by the simple expedient of rejecting the claims of Self altogether. The old egoistic will has been turned round, reconditioned, and made into a new thing. The will of Christ no longer limits theirs; it is theirs. All their time, in belonging to Him, belongs also to them, for they are His.

And because there are three classes, any merely twofold division of the world into good and bad is disastrous. It overlooks the fact that the members of the second class (to which most of us belong) are always and necessarily unhappy. The tax which moral conscience levies on our desires does not in fact leave us enough to live on. As long as we are in this class we must either feel guilt because we have not paid the tax or penury because we have. The Christian doctrine that there is no 'salvation' by works done according to the moral law is a fact of daily experience. Back or on we must go. But there is no going on simply by our own efforts. If the new Self, the new Will, does not come at His own good pleasure to be born in us, we cannot produce Him synthetically.

The price of Christ is something, in a way, much easier than moral effort – it is to want Him. It is true that the wanting itself would be beyond our power but for one fact. The world is so built that, to help us desert our own satisfactions, they desert us. War and trouble and finally old age take from us one by one all those things that the natural Self hoped for at its setting out. Begging is our only wisdom, and want in the end makes it easier for us to be beggars. Even on those terms the Mercy will receive us."

So the first class live ONLY for themselves, the second class try to live for God, and themselves, and the third ONLY live for God.  I wonder if the goal is to obtain that third class and reject the claims of self all together. That is what I mean by losing our identity, rejecting our selfish claims until we become lost in the will of God. This brings me to the second thing that struck me in our scripture, the fact that the Savior tells us to take up our  “cross”.  Of course, our crosses are not near the cross that Jesus bore, but it is meant to be HARD!!!  It’s not easy to get to the point where we can reject our selfish claims.  I know I am FAR from getting to that point.  However, think of the story of Abraham, where the Lord asks him to sacrifice his only son, Isaac.  Since we know from the Bible that the Lord, “is no respecter of persons,” perhaps we too have to sacrifice even as Abraham did.  Perhaps it won’t be our child, but it will be hard, and to our very core if we CHOOSE to face it.  I wonder if there are some who are standing there looking at their crosses, refusing to take them up and walk the hard road ahead.   Sadly, by doing that, we run the risk of NEVER truly finding our selves.  We allow ourselves to thirst after the things that the world has defined as identity, instead of picking up our crosses, walking the hard road, and drinking the Savior's living water, which forever quenches thirst.

Also interesting: CS Lewis points out that life is designed so that people lose all worldly things they care about.  Old age robs us of beauty, talent, and independence.  We all WILL get wrinkles, eventually a dancer won’t be able to touch her toes, and many of us will need help doing simple things like walking.   All that will matter is who we have become from our choices. 

Ladies, although it may seem like we are giving up everything to those around us, let us take courage in knowing that “that IS the point.”  Jesus Christ gave up everything, including His life for us, and we are to become like Him. Let us also look for the ways we are finding our TRUE SELVES, and find joy in the moments we can clearly see heaven on earth.  It is only when our wills become invisible, that we will make the greatest contributions.  I want to thank my mother for showing me an example of an accomplished lady who makes immeasurable contributions.  Her life has blessed mine, my children, and will bless their children for generations to come.  She put aside her desires, so that I could find mine, and now, I will put aside mine, so that my children can find theirs. That is what trying to be Christlike is all about.  Ladies let us make our contributions in the lives of others, one selfless way at a time.

Yours truly,